The Dread Pirate Bloodyfoot

“Daddy, look at my foot.”

It was bed time, we were getting things wrapped up, CB had had her last snack—a spoonful of sour cream—then her last last snack—a bowl of yogurt—then her last last last snack—a clementine followed by two more, followed by her last last last last snack—a cup of warm milk. She was holding her belly, laying across my lap, and sticking one foot in the air in the low light of the bed lamp.

I looked at CB’s foot, which had a spot of blood on it. My eyebrows shot up.

“Woah, how’d that happen?

“I dunno. Can I have a bandaid?”

“Sure, hold on, let me look at it first.” I dabbed it and saw that it was a very thin cut. “That looks like a paper cut.” I got up and went for the band aid.

“Yeah, I think I got it on the Flat Stanley book I was reading. My foot kind of bumped into it.”

“We should call you Bloodyfoot the Pirate.”

“Bloodyfoot is not a good name for a pirate. Bloodyhand is, though.”

“Why”

“Because a hand is easier to clean up and it would heal better.”

“Huh. I didn’t know that went into the whole decision-making process. Here, let me see that.”

“Give me the bandaid, I want to put it on.”

“Ok, I think this one will fit.”

She opened the bandaid and dressed her wound. She stuck the foot back in the air to inspect it.

“You did a good job there. What about Bloodytoe the Pirate?”

She was quiet for a moment, wiggling her toe, her little jaw working back and forth as she pondered this suggestion.

“YES.”

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Big Girl Books

It’s time. For parents of a certain generation, mine certainly and perhaps the one before me, and of a certain mindset, it’s a benchmark we hope might come. Ours was last week. I worked it with the appropriate drama when I saw she was ready.

Dad: “Ok, let’s see, we finished the last Never Girls book. What do you want to read next?”

CB: “I want one of your books, from the office.”

Dad: ”Those are pretty big books, boo. Most of them are for work, I don’t think you’d like them. How about Magic Treehouse?”

CB: “No, those books are for babies, I want big girl book, I want one of your books.”

Dad: “Are you sure? I don’t think there’s anything in there but really grown up books.”

CB: “PLEASE DADDY! I want one of YOUR books.”

Dad: *rubbing scruffy beard, leans back in chair, regards CB* “Well… There is… one book…”

CB: “WHAT? What is it?”

Dad: “I dunno CB, it’s a REALLY big girl book. And there are scary parts in it. It has witches and monsters.”

CB: “Really? How scary? I think I’ll be ok. Please?”

Dad: “It has four kids in it that get in a lot of trouble. But it has a big lion that helps them out. There’s no pictures though, like I’m saying it’s not for little girls. Are you sure you are ready?”

CB: “I’m a big girl, I’m ready.”

Dad: *rubs beard a few more seconds, pondering* “Ok. We’ll give it a try. But if it gets too scary, you just tell me and we’ll stop reading it, ok?”

CB: “Ok!”*starts to squirm around*

I go and get the book and sit down in the reading chair. CB climbs into my lap.

Dad: “Once there were four children whose names were Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy. This story is about something that happened to them when they were sent away from London during the war because of the air raids…”

Ether

A few times a year, I get a phone call or a visit that, in the world of fiction, would be the start of a novel. Invariably, I don’t take the bait. Novels are filled with people suffering for the purpose of furthering the plot along.

I’m not that kind of archaeologist.

I received a call yesterday, from a woman, wanting me to go with her and her sister, to an exhumation of her mother. Their mother had died when she was quite young, as did their father.  She and her sister had, finally, after all these years, decided to place the ashes of their father with her mother.

I asked, then, why she needed me? The cemetery where her mother was buried was going to do the exhumation. She didn’t need an archaeologist.

She said that, it was her belief and that of her sister, that when they opened that grave, they would not find her mother. They would find someone else.

This is first call. At this point in the conversation, I usually try to end it.  You may accuse me of a lack of curiosity, which is fair enough. But these exchanges typically only get crazier as they continue, and once you’ve crossed this line, there’s no going back. They assume you are interested and want to help. They call you for years. I have several of these people that I hear from about every six months or so, whether I answer the phone or not. They are the type of people to leave long messages.

I suggested to her, then, what she probably wanted was the police.

She stated that the body was buried on government property, that the government had hidden the reasons why the mother had died, and that she and her sister had spent their lifetimes piecing together the story of their mother and father, and that the time had come not just to bury the father, but to exhume whomever was in that grave, get a DNA sample and perform an autopsy. The father had left behind a mountain of encoded evidence for the two girls in the form of notes, diaries, and music.

Second call.  I’m rubbing my temple at this point.

I reiterate that she doesn’t need an archaeologist here, she needs to get permission from the government to do the autopsy. She needed to contact an estate lawyer to find out what rights she had in this situation, and get a court order if she felt there was foul play.

She countered that it seemed unlikely that the government would allow this, since they were complicit in the foul play. Furthermore, based on the trail left behind from her father, she and her sister believed that the body in that grave was several centuries old, and was actually someone I had heard of. She said that if she told me who it was, I would think she was crazy. She needed an archaeologist to confirm the antiquity of the skeleton and any associated grave goods.

Third and final call.  I wish her the best of luck, to contact the estate lawyer, and accepted her invitation to contact me when the lawyer advises her.  I have no idea what rights one has in such situations, but I imagine they are interesting.

Over several years in this business, I have encountered this more than once– parents or grandparents leaving behind clues or messages to some cryptic tragedy, or secret wealth, or unimagined ancestral lineage. Most of the descendants are interested, this portion of their family history becomes a hobby. They sit on the porch with glasses of whiskey and talk in low voices with close kin, hypothesizing the possible truths behind what they think they know. But every once in awhile, when the tragedy cuts close to the bone, when the mystery is spun hard enough, intricate enough, real enough, the sons and daughters are consumed.  They’re lost, their life courses spun out into the ether, following paths created by people with no understanding of what they’ve left behind.

Tooth and Nail

Lauri is at an ATM. There’s an elderly gentlemen at the machine next to her. She nods and asks how he’s doing. He smiles and says “Excellent. I married well.” Lauri cracks up at this and says “Me too. Do you have any children?” The man nods. “Four daughters.” Lauri raises her eyebrows. “Wow. We have two daughters. Do you have any advice?” The man nods again. Without missing a beat, he says “There is no God.”

**

It’s time to brush CB’s teeth. Normally, she fights me tooth and nail, but tonight, she is relaxed, pondering. I get ready to brush her teeth, her sitting in my lap in the armchair near her bed. She puts her hand up to stop me. “No, hold on.” She reaches in her mouth and pulls out a sliver of something white. CB asks “Do you know what that was?” “Fingernail,” I reply. “How did you know?” “I’m a dad, I know these things.” A smile creeps across her face as she rolls it around in her finger and then puts it back in her mouth. “Well, you were WRONG. It’s a TOENAIL.”

**

I’m at the farmer’s market with LA and CB. CB has climbed a fir tree in the park, she’s probably 20 ft. up. She’s 6. I shouldn’t let her do this, but I do, and I can’t really tell you why other than I’m a father and for some reason this instinctively feels like an important thing I should let her do. LA is running around the base of the tree. I catch her and scoop her up, her giggling and squirming. I feel a THUMP on my hat. CB shouts down from the top of the tree. “Dad, did you feel something land on your hat?” I frown. “Yeah, what was it?” I can hear CB start to cackle. “SPIT!” The cackle spreads to the nearby farmer’s behind their booths.

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On the Writing in Wet Sand

CB and I are wrapping it up for the evening. She’s on top of her little bed house, peering over the railing. It’s the night before Halloween, and she’s nervous. This whole last month she’s been back in bed with us, waking up frightened in the early hours. Getting her to sleep takes longer than it did, and she chats as she tries to calm herself down.

“How do you kill a zombie Daddy?”

“There’s no such thing, sweetie.”

“Yeah, but how do you kill one?”

I look up from my Sudoku puzzle. “Well, in the movies, they chop its head off.”

“Why?”

“Because the body needs the brain to function. Even in zombies”

“Why?”

“Because the brain sends messages to the body that tells it what to do. If the brain is gone, the body doesn’t know what to do.”

“Is it easy to chop their heads off?”

“Honey, you never have to worry about it. I’ve been to many places, and seen many things, and I have never seen a zombie, nor do I know anyone that has.”

“But what if you have to chop their head off?”

“Sweetie, that’s just in the movies. Don’t worry about it.”

“But how do they know in the movies? How do they know it would really work? How do they know?”

**

We’re all at the beach. I’ve just come back from a run, and it’s slowly getting to be time for us to head home. The girls and I play tag with the waves, LA holding my hand, CB, running next to us. I lift Lily up when a bigger wave comes in and drag her toes through the water. She’s laughing. I look next to me and see that CB has been knocked down and is riding the surf to shore. She’s a good swimmer, but this is the first time that a wave has pushed her over like this, the first time she has gotten a taste, herself, of the power of the ocean, even in a foot or so of water. There’s a look of panic on her face. I head over behind her, in case she doesn’t get her footing, and am in position to catch her if she gets dragged back out, LA in my other arm. The wave recedes, she has clung tenaciously to the sand, long wet streaks where she was pulled back towards the ocean, a mix of fear and victory on her face. For now, she’s had enough.

LA plods through the sand to throw her little cold, wet body on her mother. CB stays along the edge of the waves now, drawing in the sand with a stick. She begins to write “I love…” but the wave sweeps up and takes it away. She scowls. “Why does it do that?”

“That’s how waves and sand are, boo. Nothing you put in them lasts very long. You write what you want to and then it goes away.”

CB chews on her lip. She goes further upslope to edge of damp sand and makes a long rectangle. “Guess what this is for?” she says with a bright smile. I make an exaggerated questioning shrug of the shoulders and watch her. “I…love…you…Dada” she prints it out nice and clear, her handwriting rapidly becoming better than mine. She shakes her stick, flinging wet sand, then trots off to see her sister and mother. I’m patting my pockets to see if I have my phone for a photo. I don’t. A wave sweeps up, over the writing, clearing most of it.

If I was a different writer, a different father perhaps, I would tell you that the wave washed it all away except for the word “love”, that it left me with a jovial feeling that all was right in the world and that everything would be ok. What was left, though, was “Dada”, the water sweeping the “I love you” to wherever the ocean keeps such messages, the sea playing a different game with me than with CB, a grown-up game. I frowned and stared out at the waves. I bent down and re-wrote the word “love”, and walked over to join my family.

A Tale of Ribaldry

Lily has just finished her ice cream popsicle and has found her herself in fine form. Her sister is lounging on the trampoline looking up into the old oak, everyone has full bellies from dinner, and the sun is setting. Lily has decided to share a story and regale me with a tale of ribaldry. To be honest, I really don’t have any idea what the story is about, other than it involves a rabbit, a dragon, possibly a puppy, and poopie, boobie, bobo, and ‘stinky’. Rather than try to reconstruct the story, I simply give you photos of her telling the story, and I think you will be probably get the gist of it. Some tales transcend language. 

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